May 24, Year? 2007
Filtering out what's important in life is a daunting task, but absolutely mandatory. People place so little actual responsibility upon teenagers when these are the years in our life where we have to make the most critical decisions concerning our development. This is time when you truly develop your character, and that's something you can't change no matter how much you want to. Character isn't defined definitely, it's created by every action you do, every mistake you make, and every problem you encounter; it's created subconsciously, and it affects the way you live the entire remainder of your life.
"Character is defined by what you'll do when nobody is watching."
This is something that is literally drilled into our heads during any sort of activity which requires dedication. It's almost like a guilt trip; honestly, how many people are going to perform flawlessly when in the presence of naught but ghosts? I don't really think this defines your character; contrarily, I think your character defines these moments. Some people have nothing to prove, they live life by the hour, cherish it, others try to impress others, and yet more have nothing to prove; except to themselves. They keep themselves motivated, and they work towards nothing but the goals they've set for themselves. Of course all of these "character types" have flaws, nobody's perfect, right.
Society makes us compulsive perfectionists. Whether perfection is characterized by physical appearance or a Noble prizewinner mind varies by person. Don't we all feel compelled to do
something. Without the driving force to act, we have absolutely nothing in life, and we are but vegetables. We NEED something to work towards, goals, but the ones that truly keep us going are the ones that we don't talk about. They're subconscious, they occur below rational thought; they're primal instincts. Although primal, they are by no means simple or mindless. More thought and effort is invested into achieving these unspoken goals than anything else we do. THIS is the force behind character definition. This doesn't mean that we have no control over it, we still actively control our actions, but our decisions to problems lies not with faith or morals, but rather with our instinctive provocations.
What are we working for? This is discovered during the years of adolescence, when people are developing and discovering themselves. Never forget, even the most seemingly stable people have their doubts, worries, and problems.
Anything to add?
May 23, Year? 2007
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm just plain confused. I hate this feeling; you don't quite know what it is that you want. You don't really know where you're going. The incertainity is definitively the worst part about it. Human relationships are so freakishly complicated, when you actually consider them at the level at which they're formed. The heart of friendship, of love; it's almost impossible to figure out. I need to stop trying to fix everything. I need to do what successful people do, go with the flow. I just can't though, I'm not anti-establishment or anything, I just refuse to accept these outlooks on life! (Hah! I'd say these feelings arose from
Tuesdays with Morrie, a required reading preaching the same thing, but I've had them for a while now.) Of course, like any teenager, my most direct concern is with the all powerful L word; love. Stereotypical, to say the least. I'm talking about all kinds here though, family, friends, partners...everything. It's all essentially founded upon this.
Scientifically speaking, love in itself is impossible. "Chemistry" between people is impossible. We're all derived from a single organism, no matter how you look at it. Creationism, theory of evolution, whatever, they all connect us to one thread. What is attraction then, if it can't be explained literally? It can't be fake, these feelings are so real, they compel us to do things we'd never otherwise consider. It's an interesting topic, for sure.
I'm tired as crap, I've thought too much. I curse my tiny mental capacity and inability to competently grasp somewhat complicated worldly concepts.
ASDF
May 2, Year? 2007
Hmm, the week's going by quickly at least. I have too much to do, but I insist upon procrastinating it until the literal last second. I'm consummately tired of creating lists that never help me accomplish anything. I'm tired of stupid people, myself included, they need to go die and leave the world to people with half a brain. Politically, this country's going to all hell, I'll wager that by 2010 we'll be completely socialist, but I could be wrong. Lately I've been calling the shots accurately; I foresaw Gov. Kaine's unconstitutional executive order weeks before it was actually issued. I was initially impressed with him and his opinion that those using the Tech tragedy to forward their own agendas were abhorrent. Now who's forwarding his own political agenda? Gorram hypocrites, the whole lot of 'em.
Other than this recent atrocity, not much has actually occurred as a result of the event, and for that I'm grateful. *Sigh* My harsh views on this topic give me a distinctly dark aura.
What else is there to discuss? Corrupt politicians? Check. My incompetence? Adequately covered in the previous entry. My love life? Nothing revolutionary. Website stuff? Ahh.. Well, I'm eventually going to adopt a blogging system called
CuteNews that allows me to blog as easily as on Xanga or Myspace, which will encourage me to write more frequently. It also handles comments and doesn't require any of my precious SQL databases. Very cool indeed.
I'm disappointed in how much of a grammar freak I've become. I can directly blame this on
likeomgwow.com (something that I have yet to discuss) but I have problems being judgmental whenever I see someone make a grammatical error. This is especially ironic since I am a typo fiend and stubbornly refuse to proof my work. I suppose it might just be the one thing I'm better at most people at, and that's noticing errors in writing. I'm destined to be an editor, I've decided. The primary issue? My actual knowledge of sentence structures is weak, and spending too much time online has put me into the nasty habit of writing in fragments. The second most prominent concern is that I get so overwhelmed when I'm reading something written by somebody definitively better than I am at writing. Although plenty of people are better at it than I am, I get flustered when I have to look up more than five or six words at any given time. It's difficult to admit that you're not good at
anything.
Of course there's that cliche phrase that there's always somebody better at something than you, but actually knowing of these people, and not being able to be superior at ANYTHING is absolutely obnoxious. I think it would drive anyone insane, and I suppose this is precisely how bullies develop their sense of self-inferiority, not that I'm going to become a bully or anything. Hah, that'd be amusing; admittedly, the person I decided to bully would likely use some comeback that I couldn't counter, and I'd end up crying in a corner.
As a specific comment (more of a reference to my future self) health class was particularly miserable today. The family life program in our county is still completely centered around abstinence, which I have issues with. Perhaps it's merely my youthful ignorance, but there's really not much you can do to keep kids from having sex. I can certainly see the issues associated with promoting safer sex as opposed to abstaining from it. The most obvious of which is that it's entirely less effective. The more obscure reason for promoting abstinence is a product of the parentals; teaching kids safer sex justifies them having it, right? Not quite, the older generations don't quite understand just how promiscuous kids are today. This is blatantly evident by how young kids are getting STDs and conceiving children. Would you agree that because it's now occurring as young as 11-12, that it's more prominent in the 14-17 range? That's my opinion, at least. Screw you morally correct America! Why not teach it like the Brits do, since you're adopting their nice socialist structures and everything else. Health was also despicable today for an entirely separate reason that I'd prefer not to go into.
Well, it's 11:30, and I can officially say that I blogged today. Hoorah!
*Sigh*
May 1, Year? 2007
Hah! Today was such a bad day that all I can do is laugh. Some stuff from Monday just hit me now, and it's like frikkin' acid. As miserable as today was, the most amazing thing happened, and it basically nullifies everything else. It's almost like a dream, completely surreal.
People are so excessively melodramatic sometimes. Christ almighty! I seriously don't understand the need for all of this drama! I can complain about drama endlessly, but I don't really feel like being that freakishly redundant. People have been so distant lately, they're all caught up in their relationships, or diligently working to establish one. For Christ's sake people, can we be any more hormonally dependent?
I'm pretty tired of having such maladroit social skills, and I'm also tired of constantly bitching about my flaws. I can't seem to accept them, but they distinguish me dramatically from everyone else. It's getting annoying being so slow; I'd say that I was retarded, but most people would adamantly controvert me. I have such slurred speech that I literally can't communicate basic thoughts to other people, and whenever I'm exposed to a somewhat complicated social situation, I freeze up. It's indefinitely despicable. My brain works considerably slower than most peoples', I'd say I was just a slow paced person, but damn. I'm probably frying my brain from spending too much time in front of the computer; it figures, it's destroyed everything else I once had.
Yeah I blame my problems on my own decisions and inanimate objects. I kick ass like that. :P
*Bangs head repeatedly on desk*
April 30, Year? 2007
Well, I got a semi-decent commenting system established. I found the guts on a scripting site, but it took a bit of modification to get it to my liking. If you're looking for something BESIDES Haloscan (I was enraged that all of my old comments are gone, they're actually rather important to me), you can check out the link for it in any of the comment pages. It's fairly easy to customize. Now if I could just blog regularly..
Well, tons of shit has happened since my last actual update in July, I got a job and got fired 8 months later. I managed to make about $3300 in total, but I spent nearly a thousand on shit like a Nintendo DS Lite and a Wii, neither of which I've used in nearly 5 months. I beat Zelda over winter break and that's all she wrote, I find Wii fairly boring. Classes suck, I'm failing AP World History, primarily because my teacher doesn't actually DO anything. My computer is essentially falling apart at this point, and running about as fast as a snail smoking pot. I learned basic PHP and its relationship with MySQL after working with PHPBB some, and successfully integrated the login system into an HTML page. Still a perpetually single, angsty teen, but I could prattle about that for ages, and I'd rather not do so. Band is ... abhorent,
Philharmonic Anomaly isn't quite so appropriate a title anymore. In his old age, our band director has developed a rather unusual taste in music, and has opted to venture into incredibly difficult grade 6 pieces with absolutely no rythym and stupid dissinent chords. My recent, and continuing addiction, and my literal lifeline has been
bash.org, and its comedic brilliance. A fair amount of the geeky jokes even confuse me, and that's reassuring, gives me a reason to live. I can die only when I can understand every reference on that site. Went on the band trip to Orlando, FL and had a blast, but I'll admit that it would have been more enjoyable if I wasn't morbidly obese. I'm checking the classified ads regularly in hopes of finding a decent Japanese car within my tiny, finite budget. I despise my lucky and unappreciative peers who are merely handed automobiles and procede to crash them. One such friend of mine stole my accident virginity one fine morning on the way to school. The dumbass decided to rear-end somebody while trying to get a cup into the cup holder. He'd only gotten his car at Christmas a month prior. My neighborhood is quite literally turning into a ghetto. People are dealing drugs on the street corners, prostitutes are walking around at night, and I hear gunshots and sirens on a regular basis. Unfortunately, I can't offer much optimistic news at the present time, but then again, I don't think I've
ever written anything optimistic in this blog. Alright, enough procrastinating the inevitable homework, I'd best depart. Until next time, whether it's tomorrow or in 2015.
Anything to add?
April 28, Year? 2007
Man, it's really been a while hasn't it? I made a new layout, this time no crazy dedications. As you can see, I've reverted back to an older style, and I'm keeping with my theme of pictures of the river. I guess I like them because they're neutral, and I'm too lazy to do anything else. I'm utterly tired of Haloscan commenting, so, now that I have PHP support, I intend to write my own commenting system, which will be absolutely awesome.
I just need to actually DO it, that's going to be the primary problem.
Comments, perhaps?
